ugly people sure do ruin things
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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