worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
