if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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