He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
