Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
