As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
