I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
