My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize