This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
