Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
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