my room smells like sperm. sweet.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
