i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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