Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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