i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize