she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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