I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
bring money and cleavage
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
