Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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