i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Found your dick twin last night
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
