We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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