I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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