I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
