I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
