i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
