Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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