Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
