I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
How's work?
Spinning.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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