I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
