I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
