I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just got carded by a ten year old.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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