Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize