Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
