Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Randomize
