Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
