Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
