i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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