the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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