And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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