Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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