we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
why is half of my head shaved?
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