Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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