Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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