I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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