I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize