i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I need a beard to bite.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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