This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
