I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
