Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
