I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
