"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Randomize
