Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
