So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
