I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
